


Niles and Clarisse Rock Disney World

by TalonDick



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes, Fire Emblem Series
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Disney Vacation, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-02-22 11:36:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13166121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TalonDick/pseuds/TalonDick
Summary: Two archers end up fucking shit up in a not so magical place.





	1. Niles Fire Emblem Gets a Job

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BraveInvisibleWorld](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BraveInvisibleWorld/gifts), [Egg_Lute](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Egg_Lute/gifts).



> how sick did i have to be to write this?

It was a peaceful day when Kiran took their whole army to Disney World.

Everyone had been so hard-working fighting against their many enemies, and so despite Anna’s warnings of the dangers of supporting another capitalist that was not herself, Kiran bought every single hero they had a ticket. 

Among this rather large group were the only two archers that the Order of Heroes had managed to summon. As much as Kiran had tried for Brave Lyn, or Innes, they had failed every time. Instead, they had the one sniper you could snatch from a Grand Hero Battle, and the retainer that, as much as Kiran tried, just didn’t like them.

Clarisse and Niles. 

The two were odd enough around the rest of the heroes, but not just in a personality way- both were already weird like that. No, it was odd in a way that Kiran just couldn’t place their finger on. For example, they went out of their way to avoid the Prince Alfonse. Kiran did too, but mainly out of fear the benchwarmer would ask to be put on a team. This was something else entirely.

However, that is a story for another time, and for now Kiran’s mind about this issue would be at rest.

Kiran took everyone to the theme park by the Magic Askr Bus. 

“Gods, can’t we have a normal fieldtrip for once?” Lute cried, gripping onto the seat in front of her while Hector, Eliweed and Lyn sung 99 Bottles of Beer behind her.  
“WITH THE SUMMONER? NO WAY!” Everyone else on the bus screamed.

Kiran honked the bus horn and sped off to a realm even scarier than Veronica’s, but it was necessary to pass through to get to their destination… Florida.

It was both hot and wet, which had even the desert dwellers like Hawkeye wishing they were dead. The vehicle, while magical, had terrible air conditioning, so it was very stuffy, especially since it was somehow filled with Kiran’s entire hero force. Everyone kept begging for Azura to work her water magic or something, but the Lady of the Lake locked herself in the bathroom at the back of the bus because she was so irritated. At least Mae and Celica got to enjoy seeing the famous oranges, like in their homeland.

Joshua tried to start a hidden game of poker away from the eyes of Kiran, but the only place where he could do this was next to Legion, Katarina and Clarisse, and the blonde woman yelled at him to leave them alone.

The other archer, Niles, had been become mopey about his husband or someone like that not being around, and as a result of not wanting to be bothered, he ended up spitting out more inappropriate phrases than usual.

When the gambling king slid his way over to the eyepatched man after being rejected by the group of assassins, he found himself in quite the position.

“Well, Sir Joshua, if you really want a gamble, why don’t we flip a coin? Tails, I get some head, heads, you get some tail!” Niles shot the man a smile to keep up with his façade.

“NIIIIIIIIILLLLLLES,” nearly everyone on the Magic Askr Bus groaned.

Kiran turned around swiftly. “Now I know you’re moody for some gods forsaken reason, but that’s no reason to be nasty to Joshua!” They waved a finger. “Now stop distracting me, I have to keep my eyes on the road you heathens. Taking you all on this trip and that’s how I’m repaid- “

The summoner continued muttering for a good twenty minutes, and the former outlaw crossed his arms in a huff, looking out the window instead.

In its reflection, he saw Clarisse across from him- and the two made eye contact for a brief moment. Realizing that they weren’t the best at keeping secrets, Niles stuck his tongue out, and she made a disgusted face in return, turning her attention away.

As Princess Eirika was venting to Lucina about leaving her wife behind for a couple weeks to be a prosecutor in a court case about the FCC or whatever, everyone went silent. At first, the restoration lady thought it was about her, but that turned out not to be the case as she looked out the window. Everyone saw the signs. They had entered the fabled magical realm of Disney. And nearly everyone was ready.

It took a good few more minutes until the bus was actually able to unload. Kiran and the heroes piled out of the vehicle, multiple people already somehow wearing their official Disney World merchandise. How that was possible, who knows.

Niles moved out swiftly with the masses, set on finding both a snack stand, and a mythical ride he had only heard about in legends. He believed it was like what Valla used to be, though- if he spoke the name aloud in the park outside of the ride itself, there would be dire consequences. For this, Niles planned to be sneaky, which he was quite skillful at. 

Mixed with that and some gentle persuasion, the archer believed that he could actually follow through with the plan that he had formulated the moment Kiran had announced this trip. 

The New Mystery trio were the last out of the bus, Clarisse was already bickering with Katarina, threatening to tie her to a seat in Space Mountain. Legion had found a shirt with Buff Pluto on the floor in the Magic Askr Bus, so he was ignoring them and throwing it on. 

Even if they were already arguing, the three of them had decided that today was their day off, they were going to enjoy themselves, and completely avoid trying to kill Marth, no matter what. Kiran had called it a vacation, after all.

Not even twenty minutes later, as Niles stood in the back of a very long line for some Goofy shaped ice cream, he felt a bag go over his head and hands wrap around his waist. He yelped, was lifted into the air, and felt his captor running very fast to somewhere underground. When they finally slowed down, Niles felt himself set down on his feet again.

The bag was pulled off his head, and the archer found himself looking at- gods, was that Goofy? Niles squinted his eye at the talking dog.

“You, what’s this all about?” Niles said, clearly annoyed.

Goofy put his hands up. “Please, you have to hear me out!”

Slowly, those same hands removed the head to what was clearly a Goofy costume. The man under looked sickly. 

“I am the current actor for Goofy here at Disney World, but for some reason, I’m just feeling really under the weather today. I can’t keep doing this. I need a replacement.”

“And why would I help you? Because it’s the right thing to do, milord Goofy?”

The actor shook his head.

“No… It is because I sense a great power in you. A deep hyuckening… The makings of a Goofy lies in your very soul, Niles. You must believe me.”

A hyuckening… Hyuck awakening? Niles didn’t know what to think with all of this being thrown on him at once. It had all happened so fast. 

The head to the Goofy costume was held out to him.

“Take it, I beg you. For yourself and for me.”

Niles was going to decline, but then came the realization that this would make his plan so much easier. A job at Disney World? He’d know all the ins and outs of the place within an hour, including the secret ride!

He snatched the Goofy head and put it on confidently, then stuck out his hands.

“I accept, now give me the rest of the costume.”


	2. Stolen Turkey Legs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How he was going to regroup with his friends? He didn’t quite know that yet.
> 
> But where’s the adventure in that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm alive hoes!

Clarisse looked over at her comrades with a pained expression of disappointment. It hadn’t even been ten minutes, but Legion was already running off, rambling in his way about finding his brothers. The blonde archer had to grab the larger man by his new, stolen shirt to restrain him. Katarina, on the other hand, just wouldn’t shut her mouth about Kris.

“Goddamn Katarina, would you get an actual personality already? At least I’m more than likeable as a tsundre, but all you talk about is that Robin-Lite tactician! You really are about as pathetic as the straight girl at the gay bar, holy shit.”

The mage blinked a couple times at her sister before completely ignoring what was said. Everything had gone over Katarina’s head. Clarisse groaned, and wondered if she really could ditch the girl here.

They were surrounded by people, but the group was now walking down some stairs to get to get to Tomorrowland. Clarisse was angry, and like, legitimately angry. Not with whatever “fake” attitude that the summoner thought that she had. 

She could take this chance and shove Katarina down the staircase in front of her. Granted, some of the random parkgoers next to them might think she was crazy, but they were indeed random parkgoers that she would never again see in her life. Legion wouldn’t care, he was on another level of reality at the moment. Clarisse could do this.

And she did. She pushed the bland excuse for a character down some stairs.

Much to Clarisse’s surprise, there was no reaction from the crowd. Not even so much as a stare. Katarina was lying down on the ground like she was wasted, but nobody cared.

“No reaction… Was I wrong, then?” Clarisse said with a small breath.

Legion picked up Katarina’s limp body without effort and continued on his way. The archer crossed her arms, huffed, and followed him. She’d gotten some satisfaction out of seeing Katarina fall, but not the amount that she’d wanted. 

Meanwhile, Niles had begun his job as Goofy, officially. However, his shift in costume wasn’t supposed to begin for another hour at the midday parade.

The former Goofy had told him to find somewhere to lie low until then. The archer was still hungry, considering he had been snatched up before he could even order his official Disney ice cream. That’s how he found himself working in a turkey leg stand.

He tugged at the collar of his shirt, annoyed. It was itchy. Terribly so. Couldn’t the owners of this damned theme park at least give their employees comfortable working clothes? Of course not, Niles thought; that would take from their profit.

His eyes kept darting to the turkey legs. Juicy little suckers.

They smelled SO good, he couldn’t ignore that fact. Mixed with the tempting stench, and his desire for food, Niles snuck one while no one was looking. Not that it was hard- he was the only one at the stand, and it was located all the way in the back of Tomorrowland. Not many people were buying.

Good gods, it was delicious. He felt pure bliss in his veins, his stomach. Is this what weed felt like? No, surely this was better.

(Note: Niles had eaten two pot brownies before. It was on accident. He should have known, the people offering had clearly been stoners. But he was depressed and didn’t care. No, he does not remember.)

“Holy Dusk Dragon… Gods, are you there? It’s me, Niles,” he said, dazed. 

These magical turkey legs… he needed more. MORE.

His eye darted back and forth, paranoid. Was anyone watching him? Could he get away with this?

…Bah, of course he could. All this goody Disney worker philosophy shit was already getting to his head. He could snatch all the meaty morsels this stand had! It was his stand, and he was a former outlaw, after all. He’d almost gotten away with stealing from castle Krakenburg. And he would have, too, if not for that meddling kid! And the fact that he had been abandoned.

There his mind went, getting off topic again. 

“I have a job to do. I can’t afford to be pouting over the past!” 

Niles took the largest plastic bag there was. It was gigantic. How he had suddenly summoned it? Who knows, who cares. Niles does what he wants because he’s just a badass like that. 

He began to empty the turkey heater, shoving as many as he could into his makeshift storage. It turned out that there were several hidden heaters under the table as well, so Niles took all those turkey legs, too. 

“Gods, everyone’s going to love these! I think they might die if they don’t eat these before we leave… Lute and Clair, Finn, Beruka and Gerome- wherever the fuck you are, I’m your only hope.”

Niles tied the bag together once he had stolen every single turkey leg at his working place.

“We’ll make better use out of these than that capitalist rat ever would.”

He dared not to speak his true name. Niles had been warned by the last Goofy before he had begun his first hour on the job.

Insert a generic flashback here.

“Oh, and Niles…”

“Yes?” 

“Do watch out for… The Boss. Or the Rat, as you like to call him. He is extremely strict, ruthless, and dangerous… Just earlier, we got reports of him sniping a whiny little blonde mage kid who disrespected the sacred Disney rules.” 

“He shot Lord Leo? Hallelujah!” 

“That’s not the point- Oh well, surely you get it. Just be careful, Niles. You may be Goofy now, but the Boss holds unimaginable amounts of power here. I would hate to see you die on your first day.” 

“Wait, what?!”

“Oh, would you look at that! I’m getting sicker by the minute! I must go, buy gold, bye! And make suRE TO REMEMBER YOUR HYUCKENING!”

End generic flashback here.

His train of thought broke. Niles took one last look around before darting out from behind the stand, dragging the heavy bag of stolen turkey legs behind him.

It was there that he was spotted by Clarisse, who had finally made it to Tomorrowland.

“Niles, is that you? What the fuck are you doing?!”

The eyepatched man let out a screech.

“Clarisse! That wasn’t very cash money of you!”

“What is that you’re dragging- Are those a literal ton of turkey legs? What’s the meaning of this?” A scowl appeared upon her face.

“You know, a normal person would apologize for what I’m about to do, but I’m in a bit of a rush. Toodles!”

The bag was swung, much like Winter Chrom’s sack o’ gifts, and it smacked Clarisse in the face. Niles had apparently just transformed into an axe unit. As she went flying, Niles sped away.

How he was going to regroup with his friends? He didn’t quite know that yet.

But where’s the adventure in that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey i'm sorry for taking forever on this but. it will only pick up from here.


End file.
